...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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