He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
