EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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