U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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