Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
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you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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