I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
