I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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