Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
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I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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