wanna go halves on a baby?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
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I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
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Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?