if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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