i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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