Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Randomize