i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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