I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
