Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
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From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
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