Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
