her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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