I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Randomize
