You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i drank out of a bidet.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
