based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
