I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
