its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
