I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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