he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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