I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
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