i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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