I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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