I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
