Betty ford says i'm here all night
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
