Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
