Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
