wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
