how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
