Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
