A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize