Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
