I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
