and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
