It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
