Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
