What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Randomize
