i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
