sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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