she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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