either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Randomize
