we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
