Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
