You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
