I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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