Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I'm really busy with my period
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