Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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