Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
