I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
