after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
